Randomness
by D-chi
Summary: It's time for a lovely sleepover, full of mischief, insanity, and other such things! Of course, Dios had to make one last appearance before the end of the fanfic. This is the final chapter!
1. 2HOT4U

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING.

A/N: This is my first Utena fic, written about 2 years ago. It was fun to write, and I hope you enjoy it. My friend, who used to be a user on this site called EDPTgirl, cried laughing when she read this. I was surprised (but happy) that she found it that funny, so maybe fans who have seen the movie as well as the series (I only saw the 1st ep., but I had the rest explained to me) will understand this. It should be noted that the Utena movie was thoroughly disturbing and I didn't even see all of it (EDPTgirl made me cover my eyes while she fast-forwarded through a few parts), but of what I did see, there were definitely a few funny parts worth writing about. Overall, this has an insanity level approaching that of Excel Saga's, with Akio the Great slightly resembling our dear Il Palazzo-sama, only not nearly as hot, and with less ambitious goals (no world domination, but hey, it all starts with a radio show).

"Hey, this is Akio the Great on 2HOT4U! Today, the great Touga Kiryuu invented the revolutionary-"

"–Girl?" interrupted Utena. "Yup, that's me! Revolutionary Girl Utena! Or to my fans, Shojo Kakumei Utena!"

"Actually, no," said Akio the Great. "Touga invented a ceiling fan that doubles as a helicopter – his head."

"He invented his head?" asked Anthy.

"Hah!" boasted Saionji. "Anything he can do, I can do better! I can do anything better that him!"

"No, you can't!"

"Yes, I can!"

"No, you can't!"

"Yes, I can!"

"Hey, who's Touga?" asked Miki.

"My PRINCE!" answered Utena with star-shaped-eyes-of-glory.

"Um, actually," corrected Akio the Great, "that's my eccentric counterpart, Dios."

"Yeah, Dios is your prince," said Saionji, "not ugly-smelly-needs Shiori-to-change-his-diaper Touga!"

"Hey," yelled Shiori, "I resent that remark!"

"Don't yell at Saionji-sama!!" screeched Wakaba.

"I can do whatever I wanna!" countered the insane Shiori.

"That's it! I challenge you to a duel!" said Wakaba.

"A duel of what nature?" asked Shiori.

"Duh, swords!" said Anthy. "Anyone need me to pull a sword out of my torso?"

"Duh, no!" said Wakaba. "Video games!"

"Oh," said Anthy. "I knew that."

"Besides," said Utena, "all you need is a handy-dandy… broomstick!"

Saionji scoffed at this bold remark. "You DORK, Utena! You need a SWORD!"

"Um, people?" interrupted Akio. "This is MY radio show, so can I have it back, please?"

Akio ducked to avoid the barrage of random objects thrown by the infamous unseen forces.

Utena spoke. "Oh, grow up, Saionji!"

Shiori gasped. "NO! No one deserves to grow up except for ME, ME, ME, ME!"

"Hello, everyone!" greeted Touga happily.

"Touga, where were you?" asked Anthy.

"Oh, so THAT'S Touga!" said Miki. "Silly me!"

(cricket chirping)

"Anyway," continued Touga, "I was in the bathroom listening to my new CD."

"Which song?" asked Akio the Great, who had given up trying to regain his dignity and radio show.

"The One-Note Song!'," Touga answered, "on the CD 'Robot Mosh Pit'! Now, I'm listening to my other CD, 'The Grace Note Effect', and it's playing –guess what– 'One-Note Remix'!"

"Remix?" asked Utena. "Wow."

"Well," said Touga, "gotta go!" He grabbed his hair, wound it up, let it go, and flew away.

"That was so random," said Miki.

"And that's all for today, folks! This has been Akio the Great on 2HOT4U! Ciao!"

A/N: Thanks for reading!! If you would review with a few words of encouragement, that would be awesome. If you have any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism you'd like to offer me, I'd appreciate that, too. I'm doing my best here, people. Happy reading!!


	2. Blame it on Youko

Disclaimer: I am the owner of all that is nothing. Subtitles: I don't own Utena, but I wish I owned Saionji's hair.

"Hey, Miki!" said Utena. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," Miki answered.

"Wanna go to the movies with me?" asked Utena.

"Sure!" said Miki. "Which movie?"

Utena pondered the possibilities. "How about… Revenge of the Armadillos Part 1?" (A/N: A cookie for you if you got that one. I'll explain it later for all the slower people like me.)

"Okay!" Miki answered.

Later…

The woman screamed. "AHHH!!" The giant armadillo crept closer to her. Utena sat calmly in the audience, humming and inspecting her fingernails. Miki sat next to her, close to tears and freaked out beyond all reason.

Suddenly, an octopus came out of the water. It was wearing a frilly pink dress and a Martha Stewart wig. "AHHH!" the woman screamed.

"AHHH!" shrieked Miki. He clung to Utena like Velcro to a tennis ball.

Much later…

"That movie was AWESOME!" exclaimed Utena.

"I need a potty…" muttered Miki. "Who came up with that movie, anyway?"

"I did!" boasted Youko Kurama (from Yu Yu Hakusho).

"WHO are YOU?!" yealled Miki/Utena.

"I am the Great Youko Kurama!" he said.

"There you are!" said a dark figure looming in the doorway.

"OH MY GOSH, MOTHER! What are you doing here?!" screamed Youko.

"I'm not your mother!" yelled the dark figure. It stepped into the light.

"Oh, it's just you, Karasu," said Youko.

Karasu pouted, his frown hidden beneath the mask that covered the lower half of his face. "We were in the middle of our… exhilarating match in the Dark Tournament. Come back so we can finish what we started."

"Ew, why should I?" asked Youko.

Karasu smiled. "I've got blackmail."

"What do you mean?"

Karasu grinned and pulled out a small packet of pictures. Of Youko. At Botan's _tea party_.

"NEUUUU!" screamed Youko. "I'll be good! I'll go back!"

"Okay!" said Karasu. "Bye, now!" Karasu walked out the door pulling along a terrified, screaming Youko Kurama. Miki and Utena just stood there like two DUHRS.

"Wow," said Utena. "That was weird."

"Yup," said Miki. "It was. Wanna go now?"

"Yeah, said Utena. They left the movie theater.

Back at the radio station…

"Hey, this is Akio the Great on 2HOT4U! We have a special guest here today: Nanami Kiryuu! Nanami, will you tell us why you're here today?"

"Well," said Nanami, "my big brother won't let me use his helicopter!"

"It's my HEAD!" yelled Touga.

"But onii-samaaaa!" whined Nanami, "I wanna USE it! Juri and I are going shopping!"

"Exactly," said Touga.

"On other news," said Akio the Great, "the moochers have stolen ALL the Juicy Fruit in the WORLD!"

"Noooo!" yelled Nanami. "Not the Juicy Fruit! My SUSTAINANCE! WHY??!!"

Suddenly, Miki and Utena burst into the room. "The octopi!" Miki gasped. "The octopi are coming!"

"Are you, like, SERIOUS, dudes?!" asked surfer-dude Touga (Collect them all!).

"Like, tch-yah!" exclaimed the revolutionary-surfer-girl Utena. "Like we're all gonna DIE if we don't save ourselves… dudes!"

"Dude!" said Surfer Akio the Great. "We like, gotta run, dudes!"

"Dude," said Miki, "when a dude 'dudes' you, you gotta 'dude' that dude back, dude."

"Dude." Said Touga.

"Dude!" said Miki.

"Dude!"

"Dude!"

"ANYWAY," said Utena, "we need to octopus-proof this room!"

Later…

"Ooh! Ooh! And remember when that hamburger was doing yoga in that clip before the movie?" asked Utena. "That was SO funny!"

Miki's eyes grew wide. "Utena, that hamburger had FANGS! Anyway, it was all Youko's fault."

"Yeah," said Utena. "Blame it on Youko."

Later…

"HAHA! DIE!" screeched the crazed Wakaba.

"Never!!" yelled Shiori. They had been at their "duel" for five hours straight. Saionji silently got up from his chair and crept toward the door.

"Sit down, Saionji-sama!" commanded Wakaba. BOOM1! Wakaba's character was defeated. "NOOOO!" she screamed. "Saionji, this is all you fault!" she jumped out of her chair and glomped Saionji.

"Loser!" yelled Touga from far away.

"What?!" yelled Saionji. "Touga, you- AHH!" Nanami bit Saionji's shoulder. CHOMP. Touga appeared out of nowhere laughing. Then he pressed PLAY on the boom box he was carrying.

"Yay!" said Wakaba, suddenly happy. "Come on, Saionji! LET'S DANCING!" (A/N: This is an inside joke. Don't ask.) Saionji grabbed a rose out of hammer-space and put it in his mouth. He and Wakaba put their arms around each other and started doing the tango.

Much later…

"He was a sk8tr boi! She said see ya later, boi! He wasn't good enough for her!" sang Wakaba at the top of her lungs.

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Find out what it means to me!" sang Saionji in a high-pitched voice.

"Uh, Saionji?" interrupted Wakaba.

"Yeah?"

"Wrong song."

"Oh."

A/N: Okay, about the Revenge of the Armadillos Part 1 thing, the joke was that you generally can't have a "Revenge of..." in a "Part 1". Thanks for reading! I should have chapter 3 up really soon. Sorry for taking so long to update! You know, school and that sort of thing. Merry Christmahanukwanzakah!


	3. The 5 Second Rule

Disclaimer: I don't own NE-thing.

A/N: Sorry for not updating in awhile. School, video games, and trying to keep up what could in loosely-used terms be called a social life have kept me away from the computer. I got DDR for Christmas!! Yay!! And now, on with the show.

Ding! Wakaba came out of the kitchen with a cookie tray in her hands. "Hey, everyone!" she called. "The cookies are ready!"

"Five-second rule!" someone called out. Everyone came and glomped the cookies and devoured them.

"All right!" cheered Shiori. "4.78 seconds!"

"Whoo hoo!" yelled Anthy.

They heard a sniffle. "WAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!" cried Wakaba. "I didn't get any cookies!"

"Um," stuttered Saionji, "I, um, saved you a cookie, Wakaba."

"Really?" asked Wakaba tearfully.

"Uh, yeah… really," said Saionji, suddenly afraid of what was about to happen.

Wakaba's eyes got all bubbly. She squealed, "OH, THANK YOU, SAIONJI-SAMA! I LOVE YOU!" She then proceeded to glomp the life out of him. Everyone else snickered uncontrollably. All of a sudden, they stopped. They heard a loud rumble, and then the ground started shaking. Miki and Nanami's faces went pale. Miki looked out the window and screamed like a little girl.

"NOOO! They're back!"

"Who?" asked Touga.

"The octopi! NEUUU!" yelled Miki.

Nanami gasped. "Animals?" she whimpered. Octopi started pressing at the windows. The windows were positively BULGING.

"We have to get out of here!" said Akio. He could see the guts coming out of the AC vents.

"Let's make a run for it!" shouted Utena. So… they did. They ran out of the house, but didn't get very far. Luckily for them, Dios came. (angels singing "ahhh…") Dios arrived in his flying car, called Funky Treehouse Battle Waifer.

He said, "Hey, anyone need a lift? Oh, hey, Utena!"

"DIOS, MY LOVE!" screamed Utena. They grabbed each others hands.

"I'll never let go!" shouted Dios.

"Uh, guys?" interrupted Shiori. "Dios is only 2 feet off the ground. Can we get in now?"

"Uh, yeah," Dios stammered.

A/N: Yeah, I know, this was a short chapter, but I promise that the last 2 will be longer!! And no, waifer is not a word. It's actually "wafer", but I liked "waifer" better. Don't judge me!! And don't ask why Dios had a car named Funky Treehouse Battle Waifer, ask my insane two-years-younger self. Wish me luck on attempting to get my driver's permit/license!!


	4. eBay and the APETAO

Disclaimer: If I owned Utena, would I be writing this? No! It would already be a show! It would be much more insane. But, alas, I don't own it, which I'm okay with, but I wish I owned Saionji's and Touga's hair. And Mikage. He's cool, but I didn't know about him at the time that I wrote this fanfic, so he's not in it. Oh, well.

* * *

At the radio station…

"Today," said Akio the Great, "we have a special episode of 2HOT4U. For today, I'm handing over the show to Touga."

"That's right, folks!" said Touga. "It's The Touga Show!" (Dun-dun-duhhhn!) "Anyway," he continued, "I-"

All of a sudden, a flaming ice-cream truck flew by outside the window. The man inside was screaming, "Remember the Alamo!"

"Well'" said Akio the Great, "gotta go!" Akio ran off yelling something about the Spanish Inquisition.

"...Yeah," said Touga. "As I was saying, I brought along my sister, Nanami, to discuss some very important issues. Nanami?"

"Yes, onii-sama," said Nanami seriously. "I am here to discuss animal abuse. Not our abuse to animals, oh, no, THEIR abuse to US."

"Care to explain more, nee-chan?" asked Touga.

"Certainly," she answered. "I have formed an organization called the APETAO, which stands for the Anti-PETA Organization. We are against PETA and their animal-loving ways."

Touga sighed. 'This is gonna be a long day,' he thought.

Later, at Utena's house…

Utena was at her house alone. She was lying on the couch staring at the ceiling. Needless to say, she was bored. She decided to call up some of her friends and have a sleepover. She walked over to the phone and quickly dialed a number. "Anthy?" she said.

"Hey, Utena, what's up?" Anthy answered.

"Wanna come to my sleepover tonight?"

"Okay! Who else is coming?"

"Well, that's the thing. Can you help me out by calling some people up?"

"Sure! I'll also tell me brother, 'kay?'

"Thanks! I need you to call Saionji-"

"Saionji?" whimpered Anthy.

"Uh, I'll call him," said Utena. "I need you to call Touga, Akio, obviously, Juri, and tell Touga to invite Nanami. I'll take the rest."

"Okay. 'Bye!" said Anthy.

"Bye!" said Anthy.

"'Bye!" Utena said. She hung up, picked up the phone and dialed another number.

Ring, ring… click! "Hello?"

"Hi, Miki!"

"Hey, Utena! What's goin' down, homie-g?"

"Nutin' much, home dawg! Just havin' a party in da house."

"A party?" asked Miki.

"Yup," said Utena. "Well, actually, it's just a sleepover, but you get the idea."

"So, who's coming?" Miki asked.

"You, Anthy, and hopefully Akio-"

"Akio?! Are you kidding?! Akio at a coed sleepover??!!"

"Oh, uh, yeah… and Touga, Juri, Nanami, and Shiori. Oh, and Saionji, too."

"Okay," Miki said. "Well, see ya!"

"'Kay, 'bye, Miki!" said Utena.

Later, after a few interesting phone calls…

"Hey, Miki!" greeted Utena. "It's about time you got here!" Miki was the last one to arrive.

"MUSIC TIME!" announced Touga. He pressed PLAY on his boom box.

"I LOVE ROCK 'N' ROLL! Put another dime in the jukebox, baby!" everyone sang.

"Hey," interrupted Saionji, "Why did we start singing the chorus? There's a whole other verse before it."

"Uh, that's just where tape was at!" reasoned Touga.

"Yeah, whatever," said Saionji.

"Hey, I have a fun idea!" said Utena.

"What?" asked everyone else.

"If it's going into a carwash and seeing if we'll turn into cars," said Akio, "then forget it. I've had enough of messing with cars."

"Um, no," said Utena. "Let's go onto e-Bay!"

"And do what?" asked Shiori.

"Sell stuff!" Utena answered.

A few minutes later…

"Okay, we're on!" said Akio. (A/N: He's only "the Great" when he's on 2HOT4U.)

"Ooh, let me see!" said Saionji. He clicked a few buttons and chuckled evilly.

"Saionji…" warned Utena. "What did you do?"

"I sold Touga's hair!" he answered.

"Nooooo!" screamed Touga.

"Why, Kyouichi, WHY?!" shrieked Nanami. "That's it!" she screamed. She shoved Saionji over and clicked a few buttons and laughed hysterically with a crazed expression on her face.

"Um, what did you just do?" asked a frightened Juri.

"I SOLD KYOUICHI'S CAT! BWA HA HA HA!" screamed Nanami insanely.

"I have a cat?" asked Saionji.

"Not anymore," said Touga.

Wakaba shoved away Nanami. She sat at the computer and clicked furiously. Then she cackled evilly.

"Oh, my gosh. What now?" asked Shiori.

"Well," said Wakaba, "I sold Nanami's Anti-PETA Organization!"

"NO!!" screamed Nanami. "ONII-SAMA!!"

Touga sighed and drop-kicked Wakaba out of the computer chair. He say down, and a few minutes later said, "My work here is done, nee-chan."

"Yay, I love you, onii-sama!" said Nanami. "What did you do?"

"I sold her Saionji fan club," Touga responded. Wakaba went pale.

"Hey!" shouted Anthy. "Wakaba's my friend!" She wound up Touga's hair, let it go, and he flew out through the living room door. Then, Anthy sat down, clicked some stuff, then said, "I sold Touga's underwear." There was a shocked silence.

Then, Saionji said, "I think I love you, Anthy."

Anthy smiled cheerfully. Shiori got mad and picked up Anthy and threw her at Saionji, who caught her for a second, then tripped on his pants and dropped her. Shiori was typing and clicking like crazy when Utena looked at the screen and said, "You sold Anthy's BRAIN?!"

"No! I sold her glasses!" yelled Shiori. "Sheesh, you people can't read!"

"I knew that," muttered Utena.

Akio got very upset at his little sister's misfortune. "NO!! I'm blind!!" Anthy went around screaming.

Akio spun the computer chair, and Shiori went flying. He sat at the computer, clicked a few buttons, and then said, "Sorry, Saionji, I just saved Touga."

"How so?" asked Saionji.

"I just sold Shiori's marker."

"NO!!" screamed Shiori, who loved to draw little creatures on Touga's back in permanent marker. "So many things to draw, people to vandalize!" (A/N: Watch that part of the movie and you'll get it. Then again, considering how confusing the movie is, maybe not.)

"Guys?" interrupted Utena.

"Yeah?" answered everyone else.

"For safety reasons, we should probably go to sleep right about now."

"Yeah."

* * *

Thanks for reading! Thefifth and final chapter will be up soon. Please review, and read my other stories!


	5. Sleepies, Insanity, and Atomic Wedgies

Disclaimer: I don't own Utena, Master of Disguise, or Dexter, but I do own the chalk. My loving friend who first taught me about Utena is the one who owns the lab coat idea.

A/N: This is the last chapter, folks! (sniff) It's been a pleasure writing for you all, and I'd just like to thank everyone whose ideas went into this. They will go unnamed to protect the innocent. XD Anyway, sorry it took so long to update. The scenario for this chapter is the sleeping part of the sleepover… and so much more.

* * *

"Wakaba!" exclaimed Utena. "I love your jammies!" The jammies had little Saionji heads all over them. Anthy's said 'Honk for Unicorns' all over them. Touga's were red. Saionji's were green. Akio said 2HOT4U. Nanami's said 'I'm a big kid now'. Shiori's were maroon. Juri's were orange. Miki's were blue with little Utena heads. Utena's were pink with little Miki heads. 

Utena and Miki looked at each other, laughed, and hugged each other. Saionji looked at Wakaba and said, "I feel loved."

Touga was walking to his sleeping bag when Shiori came up behind him and gave him an atomic wedgie. Touga gasped, turned around, and tried to give Shiori a wedgie. Instead, he tripped over her when she bent down to avoid him. This in turn caused everyone to go down like dominos. Touga fell on top of her, who fell on Akio, who fell on Anthy, who fell on Saionji, who fell on Wakaba. Wakaba got mad and gave Saionji a nuclear wedgie.

"OW!" he yelled.

Later…

"Hey, people!" called Utena.

"Hey, Utena!" they answered.

"I found my glow-in-the-dark chalk!" she announced. Suddenly, the power went out. All the girls screamed. Well, all the girls and Miki screamed. All looked to see Utena's chalk glowing brightly.

"OOH, pretty colors!" said Nanami, sounding like Dee Dee from Dexter's Laboratory.

"Stupid sister!" said Touga in his lab coat, sounding like Dexter. "This is SCIENCE, and SCIENCE is not PRETTY!"

"Ugh, what-EVER!" Nanami retorted.

Miki spoke up. "Hey, guys? What are we going to do now that the lights are out?"

"I'll call FPL!" said Touga. He picked up the phone and said, "Bob? Are you there?" No dial tone. "Okay, forget that idea."

Three hours later, in the Blizzard of the Century…

The Utena crew was stranded. They had all long since gone insane. Shiori, Nanami, Touga, Anthy, and Akio had made a camp fire in the living room with a small rug, a set of matches, and a year's supply of toilet paper that had been stashed in the garage. (Well, they had only used 4 rolls, but whatever.) They had begun to hallucinate, and had claimed the leather couch as the island of Dilakio. They'd turned into pirates in their insanity, and their leader was – Who else- Akio the Great!

Utena, Miki, Saionji, Wakaba, and Juri had also hallucinated, and they were an Indian tribe called "The Almighty Broomstick Tribe." They used the multi-colored glow-in-the-dark chalk to draw a huge mural on the wall. It was the story of their "lives" thus far, from being born and raised by striped lemurs to trekking through the snowy wasteland to their "campsite", a.k.a. three broomsticks, duct tape, a blanket, and an empty bucket of chicken wings.

The two groups were across the house from each other. They decided to pull pranks on each other. First, Touga tiptoed across the house and put shaving cream in Saionji's hand, then he tickled Saionji's nose with a clump of Saionji's emerald-green hair. Consequently, Saoinji brought his hand to cover his inevitable sneeze, thus receiving a face full of shaving cream.

Later, Saionji came and put lipstick on Touga's mouth (very sloppily I might add), put two mini marshmallows in his nose, and peanut butter in his hands. He also put a set of headphones on Touga's head and pressed PLAY on his boom box. It started playing a voice saying, "You wanna hold me, you wanna love me, you wanna kiss me," etc. He did the same to Shiori and dragged her over to Touga. Still asleep, Touga and Shiori started hugging and kissing each other, getting peanut butter and poorly-applied lipstick everywhere. The mini marshmallows suffered immensely. In the morning, they were the last two to stay sleeping. Everyone was staring at them. Finally, they woke up.

"Wow," said Akio. "That looks scary. What happened?"

Saionji started laughing like crazy.

"I'm sorry!" he said, still laughing. "It was revenge, Touga."

"For what?" asked Touga.

"For the shaving cream!" Saionji answered.

Touga, imitating the Master of Disguise, said, "How did you know it was me?"

Saionji held up a red strand of hair that was very, very long.

"Oh," said Touga. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Dios came in! (angels singing "Ahhh!")

"Hey, dudes! Wudup? Oh, the blizzard's over, by the way," he said, shining in all his snowy, prince-like glory.

"Dios!" said Juri. "Your hair is full of snow!"

"How can you tell?" muttered Miki, commenting on the whiteness of Dios' pallid tresses.

"Well," said Anthy, "we should get going now."

"Yeah," everyone else agreed.

"See ya, guys!" Utena called out as everyone left.

"'Bye!" they responded.

"Ciao!" yelled Akio.

Utena walked back inside and looked around. "Now, how am I gonna clean this up?" she wondered out loud.

* * *

A/N: The end! YAYNESS! I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Comments? Please feel free to review and/or leave and go about your business. 


End file.
